SST 2009 Thoughts & Testimony

I'd really like to start compiling one large testimony of God's goodness together in a big document.  A testimony of how God has changed my life drastically over the past few years.  I have journals of conversations with God....journals of thoughts....journals of life changes.  I was reminded today of THIS memory.

June 12, 2009 ---

"God sure has a way of humbling even the proudest of people.  At the beginning of this summer I asked God to grant me humility.  Well, of course--he's gonna throw situations with MY pride at me to teach me HOW to be humble.  It's been interesting.

Last Friday (6/12) we had an event for the Staff called "SOLO".  It's a 4 hour time where Staff goes out alone and prays, reads the Bible, and spends some personal time with God.  I spent my first hour with my Pop, because I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks--so it was great to get together and talk.  The next hour I just wandered around, reading some Scripture, but not really getting much out of it.  I traveled up to the Chapel then, because the bugs were really annoying me, and I couldn’t concentrate.  In the past I had always had my greatest "God experiences" in the Chapel--so I decided to go there.

I got down on my knees and just sat there praying to God.  But once again, I didn't feel close to God at all.  I sat there for awhile, and finally asked God to come to me in this place.  In this secret quiet place.  Let me tell you something.  GOD DID.  If you ask God, He will!

We kinda had a little conversation together.  It was BEAUTIFUL!  I was just sitting there thinking about all this sin that I've been dealing with the last 2 months.  The mess I am in.  And I looked at God in shame a bit.  I began to sing the song "Lead Me to the Cross" silently in my head, and then headed over to the piano...

"Savior, I come...Quiet my soul.  Remember redemption's hill, where your blood spilled for my ransom!"

I began to sing it, quietly.  Then I came to the verse that says "You were as I, tempted and tried. Human"   and I grew angry in my heart.   I called out to God and said, "Jesus Christ NEVER was tempted in the way I was!"

God silently spoke to me--"Jesus Christ was tempted by Satan to worship him before Me.  You were worshipping your pleasures and desires for me.  That IS the same thing." 

All of a sudden I realized how wrong I was to make such an accusation.  My heart because quiet, and I sat there staring at a piano book that was on the piano.  The words said,

"Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.  It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished.  His dying breath has brought me life...I know that it is finished."

I began to silently weep.  Not cry, weep.  For the first time in my entire life, I TRULY realized that Jesus Christ did for my sin.   He did.  My mind processed ALL of this in about 5 seconds:

When God chose me and called me to Him on that stage at LLBC's chapel, God didn't look at me and see a small, innocent 9 year old girl--  He saw my whole life.  He saw me as I sinned at 12.  He saw me when I screwed up at age 14.  He saw me when I feel into a mess at 17.  He saw me through college. And guess what?    He STILL decided to save me!!!!!

My sin.  Gosh, have I screwed up!  I began to weep and sat there for 5 minutes just speaking over and over, "Oh my God!  Oh my God!"  I called on His name, in shame--my head hanging low.   Finally I lifted my eyes up in tears--"You KNEW I would sin.  You knew what I would do!  And yet you still saved me?   Why?"   I was in such a broken state.  I couldn't believe it.   For a half an hour I sat there crying, and soon after realized that there was NO song that could fully describe His ultimate love for us.  No song could put into words His sacrifice.  And it's kind of crazy, because now everything I sing a song, I realize that there really is no context to His great power.  We can't describe it!

I began to write my own personal song in the midst of my tears.  The beginning starts as:

“There is not a single song that explains the power of it all.

I have sung a thousand other words...None can compare to His power and His worth.

Saved without a second thought, though You knew my future plans

You died to watch me come to You, though I'm just of sinful man.

You beckon me with tear-filled eyes, as You're holding out Your hand

"I knew you'd turn away and sin, but I'm still offering this chance."

After that I felt so close to God.  I made a commitment to throw away everything I had been dealing with the last 2 months.  It was so hard to give it up, but I did.  And God and I just sat and talked.  Really.  He was there.  It was like I was with the man I LOVE.  I was so in love with God.  In fact, I was so in love that I was content being single!  I couldn't wait to see what God had yet in store for me.   I wrote down some of the conversation God and I had, and I love going back and reading it!

Well, so many other things have been humbling me this week, but I have to leave for Activity Class.  I just wanted to update real quick on last Friday."

Kristine